The Absolutely Mostly At Least a Very Little Bit true (the part about needing to breathe) autobiography of
Mad Bjorn was not born so much as conceptualized by the very fabric of
the universe. At the dawn of time, immediately following the big bang, but
immediately preceeding the formation of the laws upon which the time-space
continuum is based (such as the law that when you are in a hurry to get
somewhere, you will hit every light on red, and the law that the event which
will signify the end of the universe is the Cubs winning the world series...),
Mad Bjorn sprang fully formed into the vast emptiness of space.
As he floated along through space, many thoughts went through his head,
such as "Why am I here" and "What is my purpose in life"
and "Why the heck couldn't I have sprung fully formed onto a beach
in Hawaii sometime around three in the afternoon rather than into this cold,
empty, and really, really boring vast emptiness" and, of course "Don't
I have to breathe? I mean come on, now, I know I'm cool and all, oh writer
of fictional autobiographies, but this whole lack of oxygen thing can cause
real problems for a guy, not to mention that my body is trying to burst
outward to fill the vacuum and the fact that the gravitational pressures
at the formation of the universe would be making me into something resembling
a Mad Bjorn colored pancake right about now."
Ahem.
Fast forwarding to more recent times ("Thanks..." Shh.), Mad Bjorn
has followed many paths in his life, many of them simultaneously. It has
been said that Mad Bjorn suffers from some sort of multiple personality
disorder, but Mad Bjorn denies this ("No, he doesn't." Yes, he
does, he definitely denies that you exist. So be quiet.) wholeheartedly
("Halfheartedly..."). Pay no attention to the man in the quotations.
Anyway, Mad Bjorn, realizing that the universe that he lived in contained
some glaring errors, such as earthquakes, death, floods, Barry Manilow,
and nuclear armageddon, decided to do something about this. And so as any
self-respecting person ("People!") would do, he gathered himselves
up and created his own universe. Then realizing that others might want their
own universes as well, he created the Mad Bjorn Universe Manufacturing Company,
which will create a private universe for anyone who can afford it. Of course,
the one small flaw in this corporate plan is that any being who could afford
to have their own private universe created for them could afford to do it
themselves, but that is neither here nor there nor everywhere.
So what do we really know about the beings known as Mad Bjorn? Well, we
know for certain that he is roughly human-shaped, albeit with some obvious
mistakes that such as hair that tends to be poorly attached on top but instead
tends to cluster around the chin area. He has fantastic cosmic powers, but
unfortunately is only able to exert them at Will, and Will is often difficult
to position in the place that one needs to exert ones fantastic cosmic powers.
Mad Bjorn's time as Pharoah in Egypt is well-documented, as is his brief
stint as one of the Norse gods, then known as Bjørn Havanüddarbier,
god of random occurrences. The other gods didn't like him very much, though,
as when he was around, strange things tended to happen, such as all of the
gods' wine simultaneously turning to spam (although this did incite a lovely
song) and Thor's hammer Mjolnir suddenly turning into a rather strange fellow
who wandered around saying "Can't Touch This" a lot.
To be continued...
